Angry German Kid

The Adventures of Bob and Womanperson

Without further ado, I give you the product of several days work.

It all started when our over-heralded star, Bob, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly pleased, Bob deflowered a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemporaneously, he realized that his beloved leg was missing! Immediately he called his lover, Womanperson. Bob had known Womanperson for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Womanperson was unique. She was clever though sometimes a little... stupid. Bob called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Womanperson picked up to a very angry Bob. Womanperson calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats grimace before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually wildly shudder after mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bob. Why was Womanperson trying to distract Bob? Because she had snuck out from Bob’s with the leg only seven days prior. It was a sassy little leg... how could she resist?

It did not take long before Bob got back to the subject at hand: his leg. Womanperson yawned. Reluctantly, Womanperson invited him over; assuring him, they would find the leg. Bob grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Womanperson realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the leg and she had to do it thoughtfully. She figured that if Bob took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), she had taken at least six minutes before Bob would get there. However, if he took the car Womanperson would be screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, two stupid lemurs that were lured by the leg interrupted Womanperson. Womanperson belched; “Not again”, she thought. Feeling displeased, she thoughtfully reached for her ninja star and deftly killed every one of them. Apparently, this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginary desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That is when she heard the car rolling up. It was Bob.

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With an apt leap, Bob was out of the car and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Womanperson’s front door. Meanwhile inside, Womanperson was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the leg into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind her rhinoceros. Womanperson was concerned but at least the leg was concealed. The doorbell rang.

“Come in,” Womanperson scandalously purred. With a quick push, Bob opened the door. “Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish spite-toting jerk in a tricycle,” he lied. “Its fine,” Womanperson assured him. Bob took a seat right next to where Womanperson had hidden the leg. Womanperson sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. “Uhh, can I get you anything?” she blurted. However, Bob was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Womanperson noticed an annoying look on Bob’s face. Bob slowly opened his mouth to speak.

“...What’s that smell?”

Womanperson felt a stabbing pain in her taint when Bob asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the leg right by her oscillating fan. “Wh-what? I don’t smell anything.” A lie. An insensitive look started to form on Bob’s face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. “Th-th-those are just my grandma’s dull pencils from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped “em by here earlier.” Bob nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Womanperson could react, Bob skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The leg was plainly in view.

Bob stared at Womanperson for what what must have been eleven milliseconds. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased deity, Womanperson groped explosively in Bob’s direction, clearly desperate. Bob grabbed the leg and bolted for the door. It was locked. Womanperson let out a saucy chuckle. “If only you hadn’t been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bob,” she rebuked. Womanperson always had been a little pestering, so Bob knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Womanperson did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his leg tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Womanperson looked on, blankly. “What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.” Silence from Bob. “And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!” Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Bob. “Oh, are you okay?” Still silence. Womanperson walked over to the window and looked down. Bob was gone.

Just yonder, Bob was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Womanperson's place. Bob had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral lemurs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the leg. One by one, they latched on to Bob. Already weakened from his injury, Bob yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of lemurs running off with his leg.

About eleven hours later, Bob awoke, his shin throbbing. It was dark and Bob did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy disease-infested jungle, Bob was very lost. As if it really mattered, he remembered that the lemurs took his leg. At that point, he was just thankful for his life. That is when, to his horror, a bloated lemur emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha lemur. Bob opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the lemur sunk its teeth into Bob’s face. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bob’s lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than six miles away, Womanperson was entombed by anguish over the loss of the leg. “MY PRECIOUS!” she cried, as she reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a mighty thrust, she buried it deeply into her kidney. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Bob... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But, she would die alone that day. All that remained was the leg that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. In addition, as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn’s reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant lemurs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would have lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. Therefore, no one lived forever after, the end.